First of all, I spent two days at home in MN before traveling back over and loved literally every minute. I got to spend some more time with my mom, but also hang out with my dad and with our dogs and even some catch up chats with my grandma. Woohoo! I was connected to my family and to my comforts. Even though it was a super short visit, it is nice to touch base and get a needed boost. Oh, and as part of race reward for myself - I now have my ears pierced (yes, finally...never had them done). I guess, I needed to run 100 miles in order to get mine pierced :)
Three pups, 150 yard marks - 6 months old = studs!
Amazing inspiration to see the connection my Dad has with our crew :)
Youngest of them all - 'Hammer'
After a bit of a crazy travel back to Sweden with several delays, missed flights, and airport sprints, imagine after running 100 miles, I am back to some type of home. I must say that every time you travel away from your home (i.e., Minnesota for me) it is harder to go away. This time is no different, actually maybe the hardest yet. I have been challenged to my deepest core and will admit that I have found some crazy low points lately. Some of it is expected after an incredible race and really amazing life-changing trip to the US and home. I have been recovering my body and giving time for rest, but my mind has been on a journey of it's own.
I am in the process of taking the next step in my life, I am ready for a big change or many changes. I am not only ready, but I need it. I don't know exactly what that means, what I want to do, let alone where I want to be. Although, the obvious answer is easy, I want to be home and back to the comforts and ease of living in the US, it is just better to be home with friends and family and those you love. However, I am pursuing a big dream and giving what feels like all of myself and everything I know to making it happen. I will always keep after it, no matter what. I believe in what I want and I believe in myself.
I am in a waiting game right now, and this is nearly beyond my capacity to handle at the moment. There are always stressors and situations that make moments hard, but if life were easy, then what would be the adventure in that? I feel like I have been flipped upside down, shaken, and not put back upright. I am developing and growing at wild rates and I know I am in for a long ride with my emotions. I feel like everything depends on everything else and I am just lost at what I want, should, would, could do and where in the world that might be. It is not easy and I want to know now. At the same time, I am trying to embrace these moments in life, while knowing that I have the choice, and I will do what is best for me. Whatever I decide will be right because it is me who gets the say. That makes it easier for sure, but I am still caught up in a storm of emotions and can barely do something without loosing it in some way.
Fast forward a bit...then came yesterday...
Basically I ran away, and it was awesome!
I headed out for a 'pick me up' run and was craving some intervals if the feeling was right...so out I go, running steady, then picking it up, feeling good, then (though I hadn't actually taken it easy and warmed up) I was clipping along and I imagined to run as fast as possible away from everything I know at the moment - literally as fast as I could until I couldn't see town, so, that is what I did! What a rush of relief just in that moment - but wasn't done yet...did some spirited intervals up some hills and through some slippery leaf downhills and pushed tempo up up up and maxed myself again up to the 'top of the top' of where I could see/run to from here - as high as I could be towards the sky and in time with the sunset - magical - no pictures because it was just for me, my moment for my soul to reach and hold what it was and is (imagine wispy clouds, rolly swedish mtns, lots of lake, islands, purple, pink, orange, yellow, blue horizon rainbow of color and all of this reflecting in the lake = woah baby!)...stood there for minutes (longest running pause for the view and thoughts I have ever taken) soaked it in and then decided to return having found a spot for me and a spot for my moment, maybe not a secret spot and my spot will be forever changing, but it was this run/thanks to this run...pretty much every run/ski/adventure outdoors...allowing me the possibility to do what I wanted and take a journey where my body wanted to go, it is amazing what we are capable of and what our bodys allow us to achieve when we give it control and let it lead...what a rush of energy from my soul and a reciprocation from the earth!
Now, if only I could let my body lead my upcoming decisions and what the future brings. I have faith that my body will bring me to the places and give me the feelings of what my mind needs to understand, it will help me figure out what is best and what is right, and in that I will know what is coming for my next step, and yes - I am changing.
Metaphorically speaking (maybe literal too)...for now, you can find me headed deeper in the woods than ever before...here are some clues...
- I am not on a trail but I am not far away from one (where was wanderweg again?!)
- I am in some rough footing - maybe mud, bog, tree roots, rocks, boulders or river - it is hard going
- I do not know where I am and am therefore lost
- But, I generally know where I am and where I am headed
- And, I will get there and let you know when I do
Thanks for reading, following me, and hanging with!
Sarah :)
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